The Redhead from Mars

saingram @ 2006-04-20T20:31:00

2006-04-21T01:43:19Z

Dear Diary,

It's been quite a while and quite a bit has happened.

Boyfriend was accepted into graduate music program with a very modest scholarship. He was all set to go and get into more debt when the Cook County State's Attorney's Office called and made him an offer, that he could have refused, but didn't. I was upset. I guess in some way I had really desired him to go to school and live the dream -- almost like he sold out.

It didn't help that I had just received a response to my first brief from the Cook County State's Attorney's office and it was full of back-handed insults and juvenile comments. I couldn't believe he would go work for an organization that lets that kind of behavior slide by.

The worst part? He could have been assigned to misdemeanors or child support enforcement, but he was assigned to appeals.

We are opposing forces. I try to get relief for defendants and he tries to stop me.

We have each told our supervisors and of course, we will not work on each other's cases so that we don't have to literally go against one another. We have also pledged not to talk about cases, clients, or colleagues as a rule of thumb. It's kind of hard to do -- I'm dying to ask if he knows anything about the attorney who wrote that nasty brief that I got, but it's better this way.

This is only a means to an end. He says that he still wants to go to school, but that he will defer until Fall 2007. This way he can save money and not have to get into so much debt.

It's a smart move.

All of my student loans are now in repayment. It's ridiculous what I'm paying. Of course, you never think about these things when you're signing up for a private college and then a private graduate school. I can't say I regret the choices I've made, I really think BSC and Loyola were the best options for me in a humastic sense. But they're hell on the pocket book. I pay, approximately, $800/month in student loans. I know it's personal information, and it's not anyone's business, and I have no one to blame but myself. The amount is staggering. And I know plenty of people who are worse off than me. In some ways, I should be grateful -- I didn't even borrow the full amount that was available to me. I can't imagine what the payments are like for those who did take advantage of it all.

It's a good thing I got this job when I did. I can make my payments, but there's not too much left over. I try to put a little in my savings account, but in so many ways, I feel like I'm just keeping my head above water. I daydream about winning the lottery. I don't need that much -- just a few million to pay off all my debts and buy my mama a log cabin like she wants.

jitters

2006-02-12T15:56:55Z

I took a sleeping pill last night and managed to not wake up at 6am with a pounding heart. I still feel somewhat jittery. This is day six on Zoloft. I hope so much it gets better.

My mom and aunt are leaving today. We've had a good visit. Although I felt really bad yesterday and hardly ate a thing at lunch and my mom kept asking me if I was alright, and I was literally about in tears. I just don't want her to worry over me.

Boyfriend is carrying us to the airport today so that we don't have to deal with the train. He alway bought mom some champagne and petit fours for Valentine's Day. He's so good, he's got mom wrapped around his little finger. Mom asked if I thought he was going to "pop the question" on Valentine's Day. NO! I told boyfriend she asked about it and he said that my parents would know before me because he would ask them first.

Anyway, I have the day off work tomorrow so I'll have a day to relax before going back to work. I also have therapy next week. I don't like going to therapy. I just want to meds to kick in and make it better.

saingram @ 2006-02-09T15:06:00

2006-02-09T21:08:34Z

Sorry to post twice in one day, but I'm feeling so jittery! I know it's only day two and the side effects will probably take several days to recede while it may take several weeks to feel better. I would take a Xanax, but I want to go to the gym after work and this way, at least I'll be sure to have my heart rate up.

Boyfriend said his audition went really well, but there is only one spot available and there were thirty people going for it. It's a long shot, but maybe he'll make it.

Serenity Now!

side effects

2006-02-09T17:05:31Z

Ask and you shall receive. I am on Day Two of Zoloft. I am experiencing side effects, tummy trouble and insomnia mostly. Also, I feel a little jittery and after not feeling very OCD for a couple of days, yesterday it came back a little. I know my crazy thoughts are of no value and just a result of an brain that is glitchy in areas. So I try to "flow through" the negative thoughts and not let them get to me. I just wish they would go away. They are annoying.

My mom and my aunt came yesterday for a long weekend visit. We went to see Wicked last night and it was really good. I liked it a lot better than I thought I would. My mom bought me a pink tee-shirt that says "Popular" on it with the "l" represented by a magic wand. so clever.

Boyfriend is having is first audition right now. I hope he makes it; he won't know until May. It's like waiting for bar exam results again.

saingram @ 2006-02-04T13:10:00

2006-02-04T19:12:11Z

Okay, I'm feeling a little better today and yesterday. I almost feel like I have OCD or something. I just can't stop thinking about the same things over and over again. I see the shrink on Tuesday and I'm going to ask for some Zoloft. I have been doing my homework and, so long as the side effects aren't too bad, it might help me. I just can't seem to get over the hump by myself. My mom and aunt are coming on Wednesday. They are a lot of fun so that should be a nice distraction while whatever meds I get start to kick in.

One good thing about all this? I've lost the weight I gained while studying for the bar exam. One bad thing -- I gag every morning when I'm brushing my teeth. It's like I've gotten into a bad habit of it. I don't gag at night, only in the morning. Partly because I have been experiencing a great deal of anxiety in the morning. It's like I wake up in the morning and wonder if I think "Yay, I'm not thinking crazy thoughts" but that reminds me of the crazy thoughts and on from there.

I know I'm just depressed and anxious. I will eventually feel normal again. This is just a phase. When I have crazy thoughts, those thoughts have no value and I can ignore them. They are not important.

This world is not my home. I'm only passing through.

down day

2006-01-30T19:25:21Z

Ugh. I'm having a down day. BF and I had an argument this weekend, but we both apologized. And the weather has gotten cloudy and yucky again. I don't see my shrink again for a week. I can deal with it until then. I didn't like the Cymbalta. I want something else: Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Lexapro. Something a little more mainstream, I guess.

I am trying to look to the future. I just want to be happy with my life, with my boyfriend. I just want to be able to feel the love that I know exists. Therapy is helping some, but it's almost like I know what my issues are and time is the best method for dealing with them.

My mom and aunt are coming up for a long weekend next week and that will be fun.

I was out with some friends this weekend and one of them who had recently seen "Walk the Line" said that June Carter (as played by Reese Witherspoon) was me. That's cool. I should really try and be more like June Carter. Keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side....

saingram @ 2006-01-21T18:59:00

2006-01-22T00:56:56Z

Okay, I'm feeling a little better these days. I think I'm going to ask the shrink about Zoloft or maybe I need to go back on Paxil. I'm not really feeling depressed, so much as anxiety. I just feel nervous about the way I feel or something like that.

Anyway, the Betty Broderick story is on Lifetime -- I love psycho-lady made-for-tv docudramas.

cold turkey

2006-01-17T16:57:24Z

I took the Cymbalta for three days and hated it. I felt numb and emotionaless. I felt better without, so I stopped taking it cold turkey. I'm glad I did -- I found some websites where folks who had been on it for longer were having severe withdrawal problems. I also got my blood test back and there's no thyroid problem, so that's good. I feel alright today, I felt good last night, almost normal. I'm not sure if I need to be on a daily med or not. Last night boyfriend and I talked about going to Paris...that was nice, I felt really happy and normal.

I'm still not eating enough. I think that's probably a lot of my problem right now is that I'm starved. I really need to get my appetite back. I'm going out to lunch today so maybe I can get some food down.

saingram @ 2006-01-12T17:20:00

2006-01-12T23:19:49Z

I have been feeling better this week. In fact, the only tears I've shed have been in doctor's offices. I had my last appointment this week with my regular physician. He seems pretty nice and was very understanding. He did a blood test to check out the thyroid. I'll find out tomorrow. I'm sure it's not a thyroid problem, I'm just depressed. I haven't started taking the Cymbalta yet. I guess I should. I was just so pleased when I finally got off the Paxil, I hate having to go back on head meds. Maybe I'll wait out the weekend and start taking them next week when I'm not PMS-ing anymore. I'm charting my good days so that I know how long it's been since a bad day. Today was day four.

saingram @ 2006-01-10T17:03:00

2006-01-10T23:16:39Z

Mom came up for the weekend and we had a real good visit and by the time she left I really was feeling better. Yesterday and today I have been fine, up until just now. I am about to leave for the shrink's office and I am experiencing some anxiety over it. THe problem with WebMD is self-diagnosis -- I have worried myself that maybe I'm bi-polar. Not the extreme kind, but the milder kind. I think I'm overreacting. I basically had two down weeks of "getting depressed," a breakdown, then a good week, then a bad week, now I've felt pretty good the last two days. I don't know if this is the ups and downs of seasonal depression, if I'm just feeling better because I had a visit with my mom, or I'm just getting antsy because I may have to go on daily meds and I don't think I want to. I will go on them, of course, if the doc thinks I need to. But I guess each "good" day that I have, I think I might be getting better without it.

I got some posters this weekend, all of them feature yellow or orange against a blue background. I realized yesterday that these were the colors of a clear sky and perhaps this is a seasonal thing because my subconscious felt inclined to choose artwork with those colors.

In other news, I'm really looking forward to getting out of the city this weekend. I think returning to the place where boyfriend and I first really talked, before we started dating will be kind of wierd, but sweet. That weekend, as I recall, was very emotional for me because we stayed up all night long talking and I just told him everything about the ex, the divorce, and it was kind of a purge I guess.

I'm mostly looking forward to going home at Easter time. It is almost exactly three months away. I will be feeling a lot better in three months, at Easter time.

Sunshine on Chicago

2006-01-06T18:23:22Z

There is actually sunshine here today. I can't believe it. I keep going out of my windowless office to the common area where there are very large windows and just staring at the blue sky. I almost cried (again) when I saw it, but I managed to just soak it up.

Mom is flying in this afternoon and we're going to see Boyfriend's concert. It should be a fun evening. Mom is a lot of fun; she's the sort of person who can choose to be happy and not let things get her down. Of course, she's had a lot to deal with in her life and certainly, others may have succumbed to feeling low as a result of it. But, by golly, she came to see me and help me and she brought some sunshine with her, God bless her.

I'm actually going out to eat with some co-workers at lunch today. It should be good to socialize a little. I still haven't gotten my appetite back; I've lost about seven pounds. I'm getting my thyroid checked; I've read that decrease in appetite could be a thyroid problem, and thyroid problems often mimic depression. But it could be that I'm just depressed and don't feel like eating.

I'm a little embarrassed about having to go back to the shrink so soon when I wasn't supposed to see him again until the end of the month. I will just tell him that I'm sorry, but I honestly believed I had snapped out of it, when in fact, I had not, nor will I be able to. I'm hoping for Wellbutrin, I keep reading about it and people who have taken it have said that it really works.

Anyway, here's to a sunny day at least for today.

sweet mom

2006-01-05T21:48:29Z

I usually talk to my mom everyday, but didn't this week because I'm having such a hard time. She emailed me just to talk and when I emailed her I told her what was going on. She is flying up tomorrow afternoon to spend the weekend with me. I told her she really didn't have to (it's not exactly a cheap trip) -- I'm not in danger of hurting myself or anything. But the gesture, is so sweet. I actually am looking forward to it. I am feeling better today, but still trying to control obsessive-like thoughts.

I've talked to boyfriend and he's being very understanding and supportive and acknowledges his role in my situation.

I managed to get an appt. with the shrink. I hope he gives me Wellbutrin. I heard it starts to work in a couple of weeks.

I started posting to a Depression Support Group. I find myself checking it every five minutes, just to see if someone else has posted or replied to me.

I can't believe my mom is coming tomorrow. Boyfriend is giving a viola concert with some others tomorrow night, so she'll get to come with me to watch him.

As for being afraid of marriage, it's still a hard pill to swallow. That's a fear I don't want to have, not that I would want any fear at all. But at the same time, of course I'm afraid. What with the current divorce rate and my personal history, my friends getting married and having babies -- and I'm happy for them! And for heaven's sake, he hasn't even asked!

I wish I could confront my brain directly:

Dear Brain:
You don't have to be crazy anymore. We like Boyfriend. He's nice. He's not going to hurt us. It's okay if we get married someday. Stop being crazy. Regards, Amanda

sort of better day

2006-01-05T17:26:53Z

Today I feel sort of better.

The therapist said that I was afraid of marriage and the crazy thoughts were my subconscious warning me about marriage. I sort of makes sense I guess because my first marriage was so bad The thought that I'm afraid of marriage is almost as bad as the crazy thoughts. I don't want to be afraid of marriage!

He also said I might have a thyroid problem. I made an appt. with my regular doctor to get that checked out.

Also, I was able to get an earlier date to see the shrink. Now, I'm going on the 10th. I want some happy pills. Some happy, happy, happy pills.

I confessed to my mom that I'm depressed and she immediately bought a plane ticket to come up and visit me this weekend. Bless her heart. I told her she didn't have to, but she wanted to and I think it will be nice to have her visit. I didn't get to stay home nearly long enough over Christmas.

I haven't cried today except for when I was talking to my mom. I would like to try and make it through the day without a Xanax. But it's like being depressed makes me nervous and upset. It's a vicious cycle.

A very vicious cycle.

Day 4

2006-01-04T21:17:04Z

Today is the fourth day where I have cried at some point. I went for a walk with boyfriend at lunch and talked and cried and he listened. Just writing and thinking about it makes my eyes well up with tears. I took a Xanax and I feel more calm. At least I can hold back the tears. I leave for the therapist in an hour. Perhaps he'll have some insights to make me feel better. I'm an idiot for tell the shrink that I wasn't depressed when I just had a few good days. I have been researching Wellbutrin XL and I want some of that. This is not me. This is not normal. The only problem with shrinks is that it's so hard to get an appointment. THe soonest he can see me is Jan. 17. ALthough I have two things to look forward to until then: boyfriend is playing at a concert and MLK,jr weekend will be had at a friend's lakehouse and it should be fun.

After taking all morning to eat one granola bar, I've finally managed to eat a sandwich and start working on an apple. I've had a definite loss in appetite, which I don't like. I'm a country girl and I like to eat -- chicken, butter biscuits, gravy, all that good stuff that is so bad for you. My appetite was up last week but I lost it this week.

Just a couple more hours until therapy, I hope it makes me feel better and make it until the 17th.

wierd day

2006-01-03T15:52:34Z

After two really down days, today I feel slightly better, but still a little wierd. I am having trouble concentrating, and really just obsessing over what's wrong with me. I saw a shrink last week who gave me a presciption for Xanax to stop a panic attack. But now I'm wondering if I don't need a daily madication. I thought depression was when you felt down for at least 14 days straight. Last week I felt alright, the last two days bad, today kind of neutral. I'm just up and down and all over the place. Boyfriend is being really sweet and supportive and we talked a little bit last night and I kind of got the feeling back -- a happy feeling, but today it's not all there. I feel like I really am happy inside, but my brain is keeping me from experiencing it.

Have I written all this before? If so, please ignore. This just goes to show how I can't stop obsessing over it. I think and rethink; write and rewrite.

I have therapy tomorrow, maybe he'll have answers.

ups and downs

2006-01-02T15:22:30Z

For the past week, I really felt alright, pretty normal. And then yesterday,I just felt so down. I cried a little before bed, just because I don't understand what is going on. I went to the therapist again and will be going back. I also saw the shrink and he gave me some Xanax in case I have another panic attack. But now I'm wondering if maybe I should really go on something (Paxil, Wellbutrin, etc). Is one "down" day a week enough to justify it? Does that qualify as depression? I'm not sure how I feel today. I'm at work, even though it's a holiday. We get to "trade" days at work, so I'm working today so that I can take a day off when my mom and my aunt come up to vist me in Febuary. Sometimes, I think it's the weather. Chicago in winter is miserable, really. Cold and dark. Rainy this morning.

I'm trying to focus on the future. In two weeks, boyfriend and I are going to the lake with a bunch of friends -- the same lake we spent just a week or so before we started dating. I think that will be good. To remind us of how exciting everything was when we first got together. We've settled into a routine, there's no doubt about it. But there's a level of security in that. And, it's impossible to hold on to that reckless-falling-in-love feeling forever. I love him and I want to be with him, I just have to get over this cloud that is following me around recently.

In other news: I saw Brokeback Mountain. I thought it was good, but I didn't think it was earth-shattering. It was really sad. But ultimately, I liked Capote and Junebug more. But it was a good movie.

I guess that's all - just trying to make it through the day surrounded by four white walls.

saingram @ 2005-12-27T16:21:00

2005-12-27T22:22:43Z

Well, I filed my first two appellate briefs this morning. I had to send their trial attorneys copies of the brief, in which I claim that they were ineffective at trial. I hope they don't call and cuss me out.

saingram @ 2005-12-22T08:53:00

2005-12-22T14:56:57Z

Whatever is going on in my brain -- is not over. I began to have more racing, irrational thoughts last night and I felt my heart rate go up and my face get flushed. I've been doing a litte internet research, and having recurring irrational or upsetting thoughts is a sympton of OCD. I can't really think of a compulsion, except that I've always picked at my fingernails and it always gets a lot worse during a nervous time. Last time, I realized what was happening and I just tried to talk myself down. It worked okay, but I wish there was a way to stop it from happening in the first place. It is very frightening.

upside

2005-12-21T15:34:03Z

I saw a therapist last night. He's a genius. Long story short -- little issues with Boyfriend are linked to big issues with ex.h. It's amazing how much better I feel. The therapist said that when in the throes of "should I stay or should I go" it is a trauma, which explains why I reacted so badly. But once you decide either way (in this case, stay), there's a great deal of relief.

I made another bad at work today -- I was about to file my first brief without talking to the client first. I guess he'd like to know what is being argued on his behalf.

Anyway, Merry Christmas.

saingram @ 2005-12-20T08:13:00

2005-12-20T14:21:30Z

Today is a little better. I felt really down on the way home last night, but then when I got to Boyfriend's house, I really started to feel better. I am in control this morning, although I still feel it in my chest. I have lost my appetite (lost three pounds over the weekend), but I really want it back. I am going to a pot luck lunch at my old work today, so hopefully I can get some food in.

I am going to the therapist tonight, but I'm a little scared. Part of my depressive panic is obsessing over things -- irrational things racing in my mind. One of these thoughts was: "What if I'm gay?" Now, I'm not gay (not that there's anything wrong with that) -- I've been boy crazy since I was little. I'm attracted to men, in particular my boyfriend. But for some reason this thought kept running though my head. I guess I'm afraid if I tell the therapist this, he'll take it the wrong way and want to focus on the wrong things. I don't know that much about panic attacks, but it seems like obsessing over irrational things would qualify.

I really have so much to look forward to. Going home (if only for two days) for Christmas, my mom and aunt coming to visit in Feb., going home at Easter, moving into Boyfriend's building this summer, maybe going on a vacation together this August. I just need to get through this down feeling.

I'm normally such a happy-go-lucky person, I really don't feel myself. I think the night before yesterday I hoped I would feel better the next day and when I didn't, it just upset me more. Today, I don't feel great, but I'm not crying, and I think I can make it though the day without crying. So, I guess that's progress.

saingram @ 2005-12-19T14:44:00

2005-12-19T20:48:35Z

Well, after way too long on the phone, I've finally gotten set up with a therapist and a psychiatrist. The therapist I'm seeing tomorrow at 5pm. The shrink will have to wait until Dec. 29th. It looks like I was a little late in my holiday breakdown. Most of the doctors I called weren't taking new patients or were out of town or just not available. The shrink I'm seeing is actually the same guy I saw my first year of law school. I like him a lot, he was really old and had a little dog in his office. He was a doctor *and* a lawyer too. The therapist - who knows - I just went with him because he had the soonest available time period. This afternoon has been better. I think having the appointments -- knowing that I'm doing something about it makes a difference. I just hope I can get through Christmas without meds. I don't want my poor mother to think I'm not okay. I'm only going to be home for two days, surely I can get through it.

down

2005-12-19T16:16:08Z

I don't know what is wrong with me, but I feel like I have had the wind knocked out of me. I know I am depressed, but it feels like is has come from out of nowhere. I've been feeling very panicky, and this morning I just can't calm down. As soon as I came into my office, I've been holding back tears. My boyfriend called to see how I was doing, because I basically had a breakdown Saturday morning and just hearing is voice, I just almost couldn't control the tears. A month ago we were in the kitchen, talking about our future together and I felt so serene and secure, and I don't know how I lost it. I feel like my general happiness has been ripped from me and replaced with some crazy black weight that is just sitting in my chest. I've got numbers for some shrinks and counselors, but one I think I want doesn't open until 1pm. I go home Friday, I need something before then. I don't want to go home like this, unable to enjoy myself. I just need something to stop me from shaking and crying. I really feel like I'm going crazy, like I've totally lost. I'm afraid it will last forever even though I know it won't. Everything is just crazy and I can't stop crying, I can't calm down, I don't know what it wrong with me.

saingram @ 2005-11-10T18:18:00

2005-11-11T00:18:25Z

well, as of today, i am an official, certified, bona fide lawyer. the swearing in ceremony was awful. they had 20 speakers -- i'm not kidding. each was supposed to speak for two minutes -- yeah right. it took forever. to top if off, i had to work this afternoon. but actually, that wasn't so bad, in fact when i go to work was probably the only moment's peace i had the whole day.

my parents flew in last night for the occasion. boyfriend has been gracious today and drove us to the swearing in ceremony, ate lunch with us, took me to work, and brought my parents back to my apartment.

he will be justly compensated for his efforts.

the job is going well, i just hope that my supervisor doesn't skewer the brief that i have to turn in next week. i should get my first direct deposit paycheck next week -- the job will probably seem a lot better then.

anyway, feel free to contact me with your questions, concerns, and moral dilemmas, but remember, i charge $200 an hour. but you can trust me. i'm a lawyer.

saingram @ 2005-10-30T10:48:00

2005-10-30T16:45:17Z

Your Linguistic Profile:

55% General American English

45% Dixie

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

0% Yankee

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

saingram @ 2005-10-16T00:20:00

2005-10-16T05:33:11Z

I got paid, certified for character and fitness, and got a job offer all in the same day. Friday was the best day I've had in such a long time. The job is the one I had the interview with a few weeks ago -- the Office of the State Appellate Defender. It's a real job. I'll be a real lawyer doing criminal appeals. I will officially accept on Monday. It's such a relief because I finally feel like I have some direction and I won't be living paycheck to paycheck anymore. Well, I probably will be for a little bit, but I'll definitely be able to get my finances in order before too long.

In other news, boyfriend is coming back from his trip to Spain on Monday. I hate to admit it, but I'm beginning to feel like paranoid girlfriend. He's barely called, although he has emailed a couple of times. He's with two of his guy buddies from high school which is about a guaruntee that they have been hitting the strip clubs. I want to be all progressive and say I don't care, but in truth, I do. Of course, I don't *know* that is what they've been doing, I'm only assuming that they have been...but I don't think I'm completely off base. One of the guys is in the Air Force and is stationed in Italy and I know he goes all the time. The company you keep. Of course, if I ever went to a strip club he would be LIVID. But if I get jealous, I'm overreacting. I really shouldn't get all worked up about this before he even gets back. I will at least ask before I get upset. Maybe I'm just having doubts in general.

He traveled a lot on his own in his last relationship....I guess I thought it was because he wanted to get away from her. Is history repeating itself? I don't know why I'm suddenly so doubtful.

I went out with some friends last night and one of my single guy friends was noting how different boyfriend and I are -- talking about our personalities. I guess it put a notion in my head: are we too different? Is there such a thing? I think another factor is that one of my best friends who just got divorced this summer is already engaged again with a three-carat diamond ring to show for it. I think I really might have commitment issues. I don't know if I'm afraid of getting hurt or hurting someone or both or what. It seems like I only feel this way when we're apart. I had feelings like this when I was in Ireland. When we are together I feel fine, like we are right together and everything is great. But when we are apart I feel insecure. I hate it when I get like this. I sound like such a dumb girl.